going cheap, the mother of all souvenirs .....

At the Vatican Mint we're delighted to announce our new and exciting Mary MacKillop heirloom collection, a unique heritage range of exquisite merchandise, gifts and memorabilia especially created by world famous artists in reverent homage to A Saint For All Australians.

The Mother Mary Figurine

Amid a tableau of koalas, goannas, a kangaroo, a furry funnel web spider and other friendly Aussie bush creatures, Mother Mary kneels in prayer. Devotedly sculpted and crafted in finest porcelain, carefully painted by hand in a rich palette of period colours highlighted with accents of gold leaf and silver, this authentically lifelike representation is an object of saintly beauty that will be a joy to the devout forever.

At the touch of a button, the figure lights up to radiate a luminous glow of inner sanctity. And the latest digital audio technology offers you the choice of either a beautifully recorded selection of best-loved family hymns performed by world-famous choirs or the recitation of a novena guaranteed to bring you the miracle your heart desires. Each piece of this strictly limited edition is individually numbered and personally stamped with the papal crown of his Holiness Benedict XVI. $595 (batteries not included).

The Mother Mary Spa Collection

Bring the sacred grotto at Lourdes to your own ensuite bathroom with this hand-picked selection of luxury St Mary bath salts, precious oils and exquisitely scented candles. Wash away sin with caressing soaps created from the finest ingredients and offered in six enchanting pastel shades. The essential oils and organic wax candles come in three authentic Aussie fragrances: Burnt Scrub, Lantana and Aerogard. Nestled in a genuine walnut-look presentation casket lined with midnight blue faux silk, this charming spa collection will not fail to delight the most discerning purchaser. $69.95.

The Mother Mary Barbecue Condiment Range

Yes, there's a St Mary commemorative souvenir for Him, too. An absolute must for every devoted dad and barbecue chef, prepared from secret recipes dating back to the Renaissance Pope Alexander VI and his daughter Lucrezia Borgia, these tangy "Brown Joey" barbecue sauces, mustards and relishes will bring a heavenly taste to your Aussie outdoor entertaining and make an ideal Christmas gift or summer holiday conversation-starter.

So don't get burnt at the steak! Hurry to secure yours today. (The first 500 orders will also receive an amusing "Holy Smoke!" barbecue apron.) $ 59.95 .

Make sure to also inspect our Vatican Mint collection of St Mary homewares and kiddies' wear.

meanwhile, from the poor end of town .....

The St Jensen's parish newsletter

Dearly beloved brethren. Our gospel text for this week comes from the parable of the talents, Matthew 25: 29-30.

"For unto every one that hath shall be given, and he shall have abundance: but from him that hath not shall be taken away even that which he hath.

"And cast ye the unprofitable servant into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

From our Bible studies we are all familiar with the story of the servant who did not invest his master's money but buried it in the ground.

If only we at St Jensen's had done even that! Unfortunately, as your rector, I have to report that a series of calamitous investments on global financial markets has pushed us at St Jensen's to the brink of ruin.

Due to a clerical error only recently discovered, it appears that our church is now the wholly owned subsidiary of Goldman Sachs, Bear Stearns et Freres, a mysterious entity headquartered in the Caribbean islands of St Vincent and the Grenadines but whose principals we have been unable to contact.

Our Archbishop-for-Life, the Rev Dr Nesbitt Jensen, has warned that stringent economy measures are necessary. Weeping and gnashing of teeth indeed! In the weeks to come, our curate, the Rev Obediah Jensen-Slope, will be outlining some painful but necessary belt-tightening initiatives.

These may include cutbacks to our "Say no to sodomy" campaign, and a request to parishioners to provide their own communion wine. The archbishop himself is contemplating the sale of our historic Georgian rectory to a well-known property group which has plans to convert it into a lifestyle opportunity for the over-55s.

We are also examining the possibility of creating a new saint, as the Catholics have done recently, with all the exciting merchandising opportunities that would offer. Please feel free to send your suggestions for sainthood to the curate.

Lastly, there is some good news. Mrs Hepzibah Jensen, the untiring chair of our women's subordination committee, reports that this month's lamington drive, cake stall and sale of work raised the helpful sum of $127.43, which will go to servicing our debts.

Well done, ladies!

Mike Carlton