Surprise, surprise, a one percenter thinks we are not all created equal.

1.   Investor Peter Schiff: 'We are not all created equal. I am worth way more than you.'

The Daily Show’s Samantha Bee decided to dig deeper into this whole minimum wage debate this week, and boy, did she land a doozy of an interview with spokesman for the investor Peter Schiff, new poster boy for the 1%. From start to finish, Schiff was totally and utterly vile. He admitted he never personally goes to fast-food joints, but somehow claimed to know that the people who work in them “don’t seem desperate. They’re young kids having fun.” (Cut to Bee interviewing two workers, one supporting five siblings; the other a 48-year-old man with a bachelor’s degree.)

An unabashed lover of the free-market economy in favor of abolishing the minimum wage altogether, Schiff also asserted that, “people don’t go hungry in a capitalist economy.” Tell that to the folks having their food stamps cut. He concluded by suggesting there are people you could pay $2 an hour, like the "mentally retarded." As the Founding Fathers said, he concluded, “we are not all equal,” and “you’re worth what you’re worth.”

Later in the week, he complained about how Bee distorted what he said. So he clarified it. What he meant was that “intellectually disabled” people could be paid $2 an hour. He stands by the rest.

2.   Tea Partier Mike Lee defines inequality as giving gay people equal rights.

Okay, okay. That’s not quite fair. Senator Lee (R-UT), in his Tea Party response to the State of the Union address, said that many things are inequality. It’s just that none of the things he defined as inequality actually have a discernible thing to do with inequality.

Here is a brief list of what Mike Lee defines as inequality:

Trapping poor children in failing schools to benefit bureaucrats and union bosses.

• Penalizing low-income parents for getting married, or getting better jobs.

• Guaranteeing insurance companies taxpayer bailouts if Obamacare cuts into their profits.

• Blocking thousands of middle-class jobs in the energy industry as a favor to partisan donors and radical environmental activists.

• Denying viable, unborn children any protection under the law, while exempting unsanitary, late-term abortion clinics from basic safety standards.

• Denying citizens their right to define marriage in their states as traditionally or as broadly as their diverse values dictate. (Translation, not allowing people to deny gay people equal rights.)

• Obamacare

In other words, inequality to Mike Lee is synonymous with all things Republicans do not like.

We can’t wait to see what he does with the rest of the words in the dictionary.

3.   Well-known African-American expert Bill O’Reilly knows what’s wrong with black people.

Bill O’Reilly has taken the very original right-wing stance that black people are to blame for their own poverty. It’s because of their culture, he said recently (possibly for the umpteenth time.) He talked about out-of-wedlock births, saying he was sick of talking about it, despite the fact that he talks about it all the time. He said that in black precincts, there is “chaos in the streets, in the schools and in the homes.” Black precincts? Are we in apartheid-era South Africa? Why, oh why, asks O’Reilly, won’t Obama give these black folks a talking to?

Despite Obama’s extremely high approval rating among African Americans (85 percent), O’Reilly did find two black guys who were critical of Obama. So, that tells you something. Two is a trend.

Why is it that black people are still struggling with a substantially lower median household income than white people? O’Reilly wonders. Because of their culture, he says. Also. Obama.

4.   Senator Jeff Sessions: 'Pot is dangerous, Lady Gaga says so.'

President Obama upset a lot of people when he made the rather mild statement in the New Yorkerrecently about pot probably not being any more dangerous than booze. Some people have an awful lot invested in perpetuating reefer madness paranoia about cannabis. One of them is Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions, who chastised Attorney General Eric Holder during a judiciary committee for the administration’s softening stance on legalization.

"Lady Gaga says she's addicted to it and it's not harmless, she's been addicted to it,"

Sessions sputtered, "I just hope you will talk to the president - you're close to him - and pull back from this position which I think is going to be adverse to the health of America."

Sessions’ air-tight scientific expert, Ms Gaga, told the Z100 Morning Show that she was smoking 15 to 20 marijuana cigarettes a day at one point and that she used it as a way of self-medicating her anxiety.  

We suspect that might be the sum total of Jeff Sessions’ familiarity with the fashion-forward pop-star’s oeuvre. Fortunately, Lady Gaga was able to calm down and kick the extremely dangerous habit-forming drug, freeing her up to wear meat dresses.

5.   Kirk Cameron: 'Those Grammy weddings were an assault on the traditional family.'

The fact that the mass weddings at the Grammys included same-sex weddings was a personal affront to the actor Kirk Cameron. Why? No one knows. Oh yeah, he’s a homophobe.

“How did you like the Grammy's [sic] all out assault on the traditional family?” he posted on Facebook. He went on to promote his new movie (which we’re not going to promote).

“Last night, the lines were drawn thick and dark. Now more than ever, we must work together to create the world we want for our children,” he huffed and puffed. His new movie will strengthen families, he claimed.

He joined other forward-thinking individuals, and conservatives who took to Twitter, freaking out over the same-sex marriages taking place on live primetime television.

"Heads up: Grammy telecast to feature sodomy-based wedding ceremonies," Bryan Fischer, of the American Family Association, wrote.

"I've never seen such a display of intolerance, bigotry and hatred. #Grammys #antichristian," Fox News' Todd Starnes tweeted.

Display of intolerance, indeed.

​6.   John Pisciotta: 'Boycott Girl Scout cookies because the organization has been taken over by left-wingers who want to empower women.'

It’s almost like they are begging to be ridiculed, these right-wingers. Here they are again, targeting cookies. The cookies that those sweet little communist-sympathizing girls in their Maoist uniforms try to sell you, invading your homes, spreading their message of female empowerment and lesbianism.

You’re probably asking yourself, who the hell is John Pisciotta? No one, really. He’s the head of Pro-Life Waco (yes, you heard that right), and as you might suspect, he does not like Texas lawmaker Wendy Davis. The Girl Scouts do kind of like and admire Wendy Davis, for her brave fight against the anti-woman forces of evil and Gov. Rick Perry, who are trying to take away a woman’s right to choose when to have a baby in that state. So the Girl Scouts’ website linked to an article nominating Wendy Davis as woman of the year. When Pisciotta saw that, he did what any reasonable pro-lifer would do: he called for a boycott of Thin Mints.

Megyn Kelly elevated this joker to national status by actually convening a panel to discuss this important issue of who you buy your cookies from. Mr. Pisciotta used his few moments of fame to great effect: “The Girl Scouts were once a truly amazing organization, but it has been taken over by ideologues of the left, and regular folks just will not stand for it,” Pisciotta said.

Not only do they try to empower girls, the radical left-wing cookie sellers have also advocated for the rights of transgender members. They’re very, very dangerous. Lock all the doors and don’t answer the doorbell.

7.   Ryan Zinke: 'Hillary Clinton is the Antichrist.'

Well, at least Republican State Senator Ryan Zinke does not have a problem with exaggeration. The former Navy SEAL, who is now running for Congress in Montana, said during a campaign stop this week he is worried the country is losing sight of the real threat to the nation: Hillary Clinton.

Perhaps he got spooked when he saw the bizarre recent New York Times magazine cover of Clinton in which her face is portrayed as a planet. “We need to focus on the real enemy,” Zinke said on Monday, referring to Clinton, according to the local paper, the Bigfork Eagle. Then he called the former Secretary of State, the "Antichrist."

Zinke said he wants to restore truth, grace, honor and decency, which he called “our moral compass. It’s always been Judeo-Christian,” he said. With the present administration, “It’s whatever you can get away with.”

Oh the Antichrist, that devious shapeshifter.

8.   Phyllis Schlafly: 'Many Americans are moving out of marriage equality states in protest.'

Americans are voting with their feet again, according to Eagle Forum founder Phyllis Schlafly, who has been able to detect a massive exodus away from states that allow same-sex marriage. Why, you may wonder, has this trend not been reported elsewhere? Must be one of those vast left-wing media conspiracies. All they cover is the fact that same-sex couples are in some cases moving to states where they can have their marriages legally recognized. They are so biased.

A recent ruling in New Jersey set Schlafly off on her radio show:

The Court held that because the U.S. Supreme Court had recently ordered that federal benefits be granted to same-sex couples who are married under state law, the civil union law in New Jersey was inadequate to ensure that homosexual couples in New Jersey are able to receive the same benefits as married couples.

There was no dissent from the New Jersey Court’s ruling, not even by Christie’s own judicial appointments. But many Americans are dissenting with their feet, by moving away from same-sex marriage states and into the many states that continue to recognize the value of marriage as being between only one man and one woman.

There you have it. The latest trend. Straight flight.

9.   Rand Paul to single mothers: 'Enough’s enough.'

Libertarian nutjob Rand Paul thinks single mothers need a good, stern talking to. At a luncheon in Lexington, KY recently, he suggested that, “Maybe we have to say ‘enough’s enough, you shouldn’t be having kids after a certain amount,’” to single mothers who receive government assistance.

Normally Paul likes kids—he comes from a big family—and he certainly wouldn’t want to give poor women access to birth control or abortions because fetuses are people who deserve full personhood and constitutional rights. But once they are actual children, well, that’s where the government’s responsibility ends. Because, enough’s enough. Paul also wants to abolish the Department of Education, which would eliminate funding for programs that support low-income families, Pell Grants, Head Start, you know, all those free rides. So depriving those kids of poor single mothers access to education is a great way to get the message across. Enough’s enough, he said.

Also Paul certainly does not support laws that address the gender pay gap because he’s a great believer that “the market determines” what wages should be. So, women, stop being so greedy. Uncle Rand says enough’s enough.

10.   Illinois bishop: 'Discipline gay people like children.'

When holding a massive exorcism proved ineffective in ridding his state of marriage equality, Illinois Bishop Thomas Paprocki had to go to plan B. Gay couples need to be severely disciplined” for participating in the “redefinition of marriage,” he suggested to his flock this week.

Disciplining gay people for getting married would actually be a very loving thing, according to the incredibly twisted bishop. It would be like what parents do to their children, when they teach them there is a right way to do things and a wrong way.

Similarly, gay people could be disciplined into learning there is a right way to love and a wrong way. Maybe they could be grounded or something. Or have their allowances docked.

That’ll learn ‘em.

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