Caesar Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus (161–180 CE) is deemed to be the best Roman Emperor, while Caligula (37–41 CE) is often voted the worst by historians.

 

Whether we re-imagine history or not, for the ordinary folks like Gus, the usefulness of history is like the trail of commercial aircrafts flying at 35,000 feet… The vapour soon vanishes.

 

Historians study the trails in detail to see the importance of inherited sliced cheese. Yet, more ordinary people know about Caligula for turning his horse into a Consul, rather than ones remember Aurelius. At our present stage of human enterprises, we are in need of peace, cajoling and understandings of the dynamics of human life on a little planet. 

Madness sticks to history. Caligula was mad, or was he not? At the moment Historians and the trucks from Removalists are working hard to eliminate any trace of the Donald at the White House. Madness could be catching:

"As Trump snubs the Inauguration, a frantic White House will remove all hints he was ever there”
https://thenewdaily.com.au/news/world/us-news/trump-news/2021/01/10/white-house-inauguration-day/


Our popular democratic systems still elect emperors we call presidents to rule the affairs of the main kingdoms: US, Russia, China, and Europe’s bits and pieces. Though we do not need expansionism, nor the deceit of conquests, humans cannot help themselves in who is going to rule over the lot. Caesar Marcus Aurelius Antoninus Augustus was a philosopher, a stoic, as well as a law person, but despite being “the best” of a good crop of an Emperor he was foremost a warrior. He did not like the Christians, nor the Germans. Three years of fighting had Marcus in the thick of it, trying to restore the Danubian frontier, and three more years of campaigning in Bohemia to bring the tribes beyond the Danube (the Russians?) to peace — at least for a short time.

Before Marcus, Caligula had ruled… He was tall, pale, ugly and so hairy that it was a capital offence to mention goats in front of him. He actually accentuated his ugliness by practicing terrifying facial expressions in a mirror. It was a bit like "who is the ugliest of all?” Me!…. Declared mad by many historians, he might have been a bit better than that. Caligula loved luxury and swam in piles of money while drinking pearls dissolved in vinegar. This would make your face wince… He still love to play his childhood games of dressing-up in weird clothing, with women’s shoes and expensive accessories and wigs — eager, according to his biographer, Cassius Dio, “to be anything else than a human being or an emperor.” He was god. He though he was or he let people think he did. He was mischievous.

Mind you, If I remember well, Caligula helped sanitise the swamp by building aqueducts and systems of sanitation through Rome, but his nephew Nero bunt that city down.

So who was the worse? Historian will make sure we remember Trump as an aberration, and idiot that stuffed up the traditional game of empire building by bringing a new low class of hubris, new techniques of “the deal” with threats that he kept breaking himself — and by denigrating the glorious armies to the point of denying them a little new war… 

 

Both, Trump and Caligula, lasted four years at the helm of Empire. One inning was enough for the populace now infected with the plague of Covid-19. Was it a serious enough disease for treating the infected like lepers on Poveglia Island, in Venice? Was Trump badly advised? Did he not want to stuff up the imaginary glorious economy he had helped create by bringing the manufacturers back home from China while making sure the rich got richer?

AFTER the adventures of Caesar in Britain, years had passed during which the Romans left the Britons in peace. But the British barbarians had not been forgotten…

Caligula had said he would go and conquer Britain. Unlike Julius Caesar who had landed and fought in one small part of it, Caligula wanted to bring all of it into the Roman Empire. Caligula gathered an army and marched from Italy through Gaul till he reached the coast. There, he apparently learned that Guilderius, the king of Britain, had heard of his coming and had gathered his own soldiers to fight. One does not how one learns this sort of things in those days: fishermen? Escapees? Scouts? Sea shells?

Yet, Caligula got his sailors to row him out a short way to sea and told them to return. Then he ordered his soldiers to form battle units. In front of the soldiers there was but the blue sea and the sandy shore covered with shells. Caligula ordered the soldiers to gather as many shells as they could.


When they had gathered a large quantity, Caligula thanked the soldiers for doing him a great service. "They had conquered the ocean and the islands in it, and the shells were the spoils of war". Caligula praised the soldiers for their bravery, and the shells would be placed in the temples of Rome in remembrance of this adventure. He rewarded the soldiers handsomely and all went home. 

This is how Caligula "conquered" Britain. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

According to Gus the Bullshitter, the image at top from The New Yorker (c 1930/40s?) could represent the commemoration of Caligula’s fictitious conquest of England. It could also represent the worth of four years of Trump. 

Historical question: Did Caligula chicken out? Did Caligula think that the conquest of Britain was not worth the death of men. Did Caligula teach the world a lesson that was never learnt: Shells are more valuable than dead men in battle? Or Bitcoins?

Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, the Roman emperor usually referred to by his childhood nickname, Caligula, was eventually assassinated at the imperial palace on the Palatine Hill in Rome on 13 October (which calendar?) in 41AD.

His killers were officers of the Praetorian Guard who confronted him in an underground corridor at the imperial palace, where he had been hosting the Palatine Games, an entertainment event of sport and dramatic plays.


Caligula may have been stabbed 30 times in an act of symbolism, that being the number of knife wounds some believe were inflicted on Julius Caesar, his great-great-grandfather after whom he had been named. Julius was murdered in 44BC, but the number of blows he suffered is disputed.


The chief plotter in Caligula’s murder, and the first to draw blood, was Cassius Chaerea, an officer Caligula had frequently taunted for his weak, effeminate voice. The motives behind the assassination were much more than one aggrieved officer wishing to avenge a personal slight.


A descendent of Rome's most distinguished family, the Julio Claudiens, Caligula had initially been popular when he succeeded Tiberius to become the third emperor. His great-grandfather was Augustus, the first emperor, while his father, Germanicus, was a much-loved leader in his own right.


The young Gaius adored his father, who would take him on military campaigns from the age of three, fitting him out with a uniform and a small pair of boots — caligula in Latin — the name Germanicus’s soldiers adopted as a nickname for the little boy, which was to stick with him for life.


Tiberius, who killed or imprisoned most of Caligula’s family and whom Caligula blamed for the death of his father during a mission to Rome’s eastern provinces, was deeply disliked by the Roman public. Caligula won favour immediately by releasing citizens unjustly imprisoned by Tiberius and scrapping a number of unpopular taxes. Yippee! Taxes are always in the com-trails of history, even during the time of Jesus… Caligula staged chariot races, boxing matches, plays and gladiator fights for amusement of himself and of the citizens.

A severe mystery illness that struck him down barely six months into his rule seemed to change his character.


Tormented by crippling headaches, Caligula distracted himself by indulging in sexual proclivities, committing incest with his sisters and sleeping with other men's wives, bragging about it to them afterwards. He eliminated his political rivals and forced parents to watch the executions of their sons.


He is said to have killed for mere amusement. Once, at a games event over which he was presiding, it is alleged that he ordered his guards to throw an entire section of the audience into the arena to be eaten by lions because there were no prisoners left and he was bored. Caligula caused further outrage with his declaration that he was a living God, spending a fortune on a bridge between his palace and the Temple of Jupiter. He demanded that a statue of himself be erected in the Temple of Jerusalem for worship.


In his insanity, he was said to have promised to make his horse, Incitatus, a consul, and actually did appoint him a priest.

So Caligula was insane… Or was he suffering from a bad press or just a permanent headache? We know how history in motion, the News of Day, can be manipulated to create impressions that will give motivation for the political assassination of someone. For example, according to some press, John Winston Howard should be elevated to the best ever Prime Minister of Australia, while according to others, he should be in prison for having been part of a conspiracy to wage an illegal war. 

Then came Claudius, who of course conquered Britain. The troops had something better to do than collect shells: die gloriously in battle for the Roman department of invasion.
More historical FACTs to come


GL
Glorious Historian of the sea shells.