Mr Dick Cheney,
Vice-President of the United States of America,
The White House, Washington DC

February 10, 2007.

Dear Dick,

Mmmmmmmaaaaaattttteee.

How’re they hangin' Mate?

We were very excited to learn of your planned fly-fishing trip to Tasmania in a couple of weeks.

Johnnee & the boys are positively salivating at the prospect of basking in your reflected glory, as too are the local likely lads in Adelaide, at KBR central.

Now I know you’ve probably picked-up on a few negative vibes from some of the locals about your visit, but I’d like to reassure you that all thinking Australians believe that it’s just fantastic that you’re taking the time to visit with us: as we both know, the majority just don’t get it & don’t matter anyway.

We don’t want you to be at all worried about your reception down-under Dick. It doesn’t matter what people say about you, we know your real character. Whilst there’ll always be a few stirrers who want to throw a bit of mud, you must understand that it’s just a kind of local sport …. nothing to worry about at all.

Don’t pay any mind to the stories about how you rigged US Intelligence findings to create a phoney justification for invading & occupying Iraq. We all understand that we can’t leave responsibility for the world’s dwindling oil reserves in the hands of a few ignorant towel-heads. What would they know about exploiting natural resources, particularly when they belong to other people?

And don’t worry about the bleeding hearts wailing over the deaths of 800,000 Iraqi civilians. Everyone knows that the smart Iraqis are already in on the gig, or have taken-off elsewhere. Besides, sometimes a bit of sacrifice is necessary, if we are to protect our way of life, right?

And don’t be put-off by Bob Brown either. The loony local Tasmanian Greenie is the guy who sledged George the last time he visited your branch office in the Antipodes. You won’t believe it but he actually wants Johnnee to stop exporting Australian coal, as part of his lunatic vision to reduce CO2 emissions & slow global warming. Some people just don’t seem to get it Mate: surely a little warming is a small price to pay, particularly if it means that the boys are a lot richer for it, right? But, as I’m sure Rob MacCallum has already explained to you, the folks in Tassie can be a little slow at times, so we just need to introduce them to the marvels of air-conditioning & the problem will be solved Mate: no more warming.

Now Bob will also probably want to scare your deerstalker off by lecturing you about the extreme weather experienced down his way of late, including the loss of more than 280,000 hectares of state forests to the worst wild fires in years, just last December. And there’s other “noise” around last year’s strange weather, like the lowest May temperature ever recorded, followed by the lowest total rainfall in June & records for the hottest day, coldest night, warmest night & lowest rainfall in October. Of course, none of these selfish economic vandals will acknowledge, that it’s precisely the weird weather that has brought about the arrival of all the rare fish you’re going to catch anyway.

Incidentally, while I think of it, see if you can find the time to take a gander at Port Arthur while you’re in town. Darth has suggested to Johnnee that if we have to bring David Hicks back from your Guantanamo concentration camp, in order to fix those pesky polls, Port Arthur could be a suitable place to hold him. We’d be interested in your views of that option Mate?

Getting back to the main subject, there’s still a lot of noise about your “priors” to contend with Dick. Unfortunately, there’s just so much stuff, that it will take a miracle to keep it all contained, even for Rupert & James.

Of course, the wall scribblers are already reminding us of your efforts during the 1st Gulf War, when you condoned the War Crimes committed against Iraq: like your 43 day bombing campaign that deliberately targeted Iraqi electrical, water & sewage treatment systems that, along with the subsequent 10 years of sanctions, ultimately resulted in the deaths of more than a million Iraqi citizens. But, as you told the Post Mate, all that was “perfectly legitimate” & if you had to, “you’d do exactly the same thing over again”, just as you’d no doubt blast Harry Whittington all over again – if he was still talking to you. Anyway, you’ve handled things a lot better this time round by not keeping any official numbers on non-allied casualties: makes it easy to just deny everything.

You probably know already that Johnnee is into his 19th draft of his welcoming speech, given that your office would have oversight of such things. Not, of course, that you'd need to change anything, knowing how reliable the little fella is. Everything will be aglow as he tells the assembled members of the local oligarchy about the importance of the Australia-US alliance & how it makes a significant contribution to international security. He'll was lyrical about how Australia & the US will continue to work together toward common goals, like co-operating closely to fight terrorsim, address global environmental challenges & enhance energy security, preventing the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction (except yours & Israel's) & promote an open international economic order. Bound to keep everyone wide-awake & provide plenty for the local media to party on for weeks.

Of course, notwithstanding the best efforts of Rupert & James, no-one can guarantee that our local retro-socialist broadcaster, the ABC, won’t have a bit of a dig at you, so you need to be prepared for a little bit of flack while you’re here Mate. Just remember not to do any interviews with these folks, particularly Kerry O’Brien or Tony Jones. They’ll be after you like a pissed brown snake Mate.

They’ll be straight into questions about everything, from the missing US$23 billion from the Iraqi Development Fund, to the US$1 trillion cost of the current campaign for peace & democracy in the middle east; not to forget the deaths of more than 3,000 of your own countrymen & the maiming of another 20,000+; the shonky no-bid contracts awarded to Halliburton; the inside dealings with George Schultz’s Bechtel & your pals at Exxon, Shell, Fluor, Vinnell, United Defence Industries, New Bridge Strategies, Custer Battles, Carlyle, Lockheed Martin Corp., Boeing, Nour, Chevron Texaco, ESSI, DRS Technologies & the bottom feeder Blackwater – to name just a few. And let’s not forget the US$12 billion slipped to KBR- as well as the question of your dubious stock options trading. And then, in the middle of all that, there’s that lunatic former US Army Corps of Engineers official, Bunnatine Greenhouse, running around & blowing his bloody whistle on everyone.

Everything Mate: nothing would be sacred. From dragging-up your repeated military deferments back in the ‘Nam days; the stench around your secret little US$25 million investment stash; your acceptance of “deferred” remuneration whilst holding public office; your opposition to gun control (not a good subject to get into in Tasmania Mate; I’ll give you the drum) & of course, your support of torture, notwithstanding the fact that it’s banned under both US & International Law.

And then, of course, there’s the current embarrassment being caused by Scooter’s court appearances, suggesting that you, George & all the boys conspired to commit treason, by outing Valerie Plame. And, to top it all off, there’s also all the stuff about your having secretly authorised illegal electronic eavesdropping by the NSA – Mein Gott Dick, what else could come up? You sure seem to have your hands full Mate.

And we haven't even thought about the small matter of conspiracy to mount an illegal war of aggression against Iraq – a war crime – a crime against peace; the use of weapons of mass destruction, like cluster bombs & depleted uranium; the bombing of civilian populations; the kidnappings, unlawful arrests, illegal renditions, detention, interrogation, beatings, abuse, humiliation & torture - all in violation of fundamental human rights, as protected by US & International Law.

And now those bloody French bastards are running a criminal investigation into your alleged complicity in the massive Technip bribery scandal, during your time as chief executive of Halliburton. They reckon that you authorised the payment of illegal “commissions” to the officials responsible for the construction of that Nigerian natural gas complex (bloody Niger again Mate).

Anyway, we understand how you must feel: we had our own grief a little while ago with AWB. I sometimes wonder why we bother Mate. It can just get so hard at times, particularly when all you want is to do the right thing for everyone & make a decent living along the way. Sometimes the lack of appreciation makes me want to just chuck it all in Mate, but then I think of you & all the stuff you’ve done. What an inspiration you are.

No wonder you’re so keen to get away for a bit if fishing – so much baggage Mate.

So why would thinking Australians be so happy that you, a dangerous sociopath, are planning to visit us?

Well Jabba, the reason is actually very simple.

You see Mate, we will be holding a general election this year & with little Johnnee already well & truly on the nose, the prospect of him parading around in broad daylight with the Tony Soprano of the bushit administration fills us with delight.

Your presence will attest to the rank foulness that has overtaken our nation in the past decade. Your criminal credentials will clearly vouchsafe for the odious character of our Prime Preanster & his evil henchmen.

Yes Dick, your visit will surely represent the ultimate low point in the political theatre of our country, creating a moment for profound reflection by all decent Australians as to how badly our international reputation has suffered at the hands of criminal scum like you & the rodent.

A profound moment that will act as a powerful catalyst for our people to take back control of their country & its future.

So hurry on down Dick - we can’t wait.

Just don’t come near our place Mate.

Cheers,

John Richardson.