Thanks to cost cutting measures, two of the most loathed bureaucracies in Australia could merge – and drive users of their services to a state of apoplexy

There will be riots this summer. They won’t happen because of austerity measures, racism or workers rights. They won’t even be because of football.

They will be because of the post office and Centrelink.

Treasurer Joe Hockey’s announcement that Centrelink and Australia Post’s shopfront services could be combined as part of his cost saving measures will see one of the greatest concentrations of human rage ever. Two of the most loathed bureaucracies in the country could soon be joined in the unholiest of unions.

The main problem with both these organisations are the queues. Hell isn’t other people. Hell is other people standing next to you in a queue. By bringing together two institutions notorious for their abilities to make people wait for inordinate amounts of time, Hockey will create a superqueue that would make even the most zenlike crumble.

People hate queues. There’s always that one person who talks just a little too loudly about their personal life. Then there’s the neck-breather who can’t seem to grasp the notion of personal space. They’re always standing just a little too close to you.

And then there’s the person venting their frustration with only the most colourful of expletives, alternatively directed at “the system”, at the employees and, on occasion and for no particular reason, at customers joining the queue.

A personal favourite of mine is the idle chatterer. You’ve never met them, have little interest in them, and yet once you’ve made eye contact with them they decide to tell you their entire life story as you slowly make your way to the front of the desk.

Some even bring their pets in with them. As a general rule nobody wants a doberman urinating on their leg, but that adage is never more true when you’re standing in a long line.

Got those images in your head? Right, now imagine two of all of these people in the same space. There could be no better description of a hellmouth.

The particular types of services these organisations deliver are often difficult enough to navigate on their own. As a struggling student I’ve spent many days lining up at Centrelink to resolve issues with my support payments. Once you reach the building, you’re always in for a difficult time, and it’s little wonder that Centrelink is consistently one of the most complained about government agencies in Australia.

Here’s a typical exhange:

Centrelink customer service officer [chipper]: “Oh sorry sir, you’ve provided the correct M81 forms but it looks like you haven’t brought a CR8 with you.”

Customer [groaning]: “Do I really need the CR8? I don’t remember seeing it marked anywhere.”

Centrelink customer service officer [even more chipper]: “Yes, sorry sir. It was clearly marked on the other M4 form that you needed to refer to rule 12.4C which directs you to guideline 18B that clearly states you need to bring a CR8 with you. Without it we cannot process your claim.”

Customer [hopefully]: “How silly of me. I can’t imagine why I would have missed that. Is there any chance you can start processing my claim now and I can come back later with the form?”

Centrelink customer service officer [barbarically cheerful]: “Sorry sir but we need all the forms to process your payment. I’m going to have to suspend your payment today until you return with the form.”

At this point it is usually just before the office closes, and you have to go home and come back the next day.

Imagine this scene combined with the post office and the inevitable culture clash. The last I want to do when I’m lining up in a centrelink office is be standing next to some chic guy picking up his new iPad and renewing a passport for his upcoming trip to the Galapagos Islands.

If I’m lining up for a Centrelink payment, the only small comfort I have is knowing that everyone around me is lining up for the same reason: we all need government support to live. That might seem silly, but it’s actually serious. Centrelink does provide an important service, and if there’s any question the delivery of those services could be jeopardised (for instance, if the guy who sorts the mail is now processing your child support forms), then this plan needs to looked at very closely.

Before the Hockey goes through with this, he needs to think hard about what it could mean for the sanity of Australians all over the country, and more importantly what it means for these services. Surely there must be better ways to save a buck.