He wants to lay across my piano wearing fishnets? What do I do with this walking international embarrassment? Is it just me or is Alexander Downer just like the star of that show The Office? The only thing he has going for him is that Americans can understand him while he tells us how much he likes us. He speaks Transatlantic well, for someone who's a bore and a buffon. Believe it or not, I've remembered a second good thing about Alex - he shares a similar IQ to President Junior, so the guy's occassionally useful. Sometimes, when you hear those two talk, you'd swear they shared the same brain. You'd be right- they swap every second day, just after Afternoon Nap.

How long am I supposed to look after him? Three f*****g days? Are you out of your mind? One day of Downer and I'lll be the Secretary of State Of Extreme Mental Distress? Can't we find something to keep him occupied? Don't the CIA want to have a chat with him? We covered his ass in public to protect a fellow Coalition Governement (think global act global) and he thinks he can hump my political leg while he's funding Saddam? Did I tell him to do any and/or such a thing? Moi?

Oh.. Note To Self- a note to that nice Mr Murdoch. Could somebody change the lyrics from "Evervybody's Surfin' USA" to "Everyboardy's Waterboardin' Guantanamo Bay? Use the Beach Boys as WMDs. it's time they earned their pay, anyway.

Back to Downer. In spite of setting up that inquiry in a way that he couldn't be found guilty, didn't Downer committ a terrorsim act in allowinng those Wheat Board bribes?

Give him a nice job and shut him up, that's the only thing I can think of to get rid of this hopeless cretin.

What I'd really like to be doing is sending his pilot a memo to pick Downer up in Cuba on the way out. So help me, I'd love to.

If he asks me to perform a duet with him I will give him a swift kick....